Talking
I just talked to Quincy. He is scaried that the family will not be there for him if he moves out of Mom and Dad's. Dennis and I have decided that we will not let him move back up to the office after they leave. I really believe that he is ready to move out on his own but he is scared that if he does he will just get back into his old crowd. I think that just the fact that he is worried is a good sign. He also feels frustrated with being here at Mom and Dad's which I told him is another sign that it is time for a change. Quincy said that he has alot of regrets about the past and that he wants things to be different (especially with family) but he just doesn't think that anything will make a difference. He is currently going to counciling and taking meds for depression. I want to help him but I think that he needs to face some of these issues. In the end, how can we do this? At what point is it OK to make him face his problems and deal with them instead of hiding here. Just thought I'd post this to get ideas from family on what we would like to do.
posted by Angela (Cockrellites:) at 12:09 PM
5 Comments:
I'll caveat this by saying I don't think it's my place. I don't know Quincy that well, and all the interaction I've had with him over the past five or so years can just about be squeezed into a bottle cap. That's not necessarily his fault, but there it is. So, I honestly don't feel like I can give any kind of advice, good, bad or otherwise.
That being said, I did almost comment yesterday. I'm arrogant, opinionated, self-centered and self-serving. Knowing that, I held back for the above reason, hoping someone else would speak up first. No one has, so I'll throw my pennies in the cup, and step up to the soap box.
What I know is exactly what you've said, Angela. Quincy should be scared. He should, as Geena Davis said in "The Fly" "Be afraid. Be very afraid." But not because of the family. The Buhler Clan has an amazing capacity for forgiveness and understanding. Sure, every now and then, someone calmly reaches over and rips someone else's heart out and shows it to them so they can see how black it is, but that's family; any family. The difference with the Buhlers is that at the end of the figurative day, everyone is not only welcome, but is supported.
Quincy should realize that after everything he's been through, and the family with him (because the road he walked was never alone, no matter how alone he might have felt), if they haven't bailed on him by now (and certainly they've had plenty of chances) likely, to paraphrase Richard Marx, they're still trying to help him row this boat to shore.
Now, as to Quincy's current concern, he's already taken the first steps. He's admitted there are issues, admitted he has fears, and, if he's being responsible, he's taking his medications and he's seeing his doctors regularly. He's doing what he needs to do to make himself a whole, functioning and responsible adult. That's never and easy task.
Inclosing, I will steal from great Winston Churchill (and this should be read in a stuffy, British accent): "Never give in. Never give in. Never, never, never, never--in nothing, great or small, large or petty--never give in, except to convictions of honor and good sense. Never yield to force. Never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy."
I agree with Rob. I also think that we as a family need to work harder at letting Quincy be different. After all the years we need to make sure that he gets welcomed at every family event and that he verbally knows that we are still there. So that being said has anyone invited him to the reunion in July.
For what it's worth, I agree with everything stated. Since being out here, we hear from Quincy a lot more than we ever did beefore and I can definately sense a change for the positive. When we were in Idaho, Quincy told me he'd do his probation but he just didn't think he'd stay away from drugs. His friends were there and he doesn't just want, he needs that acceptance. Since we've been here, everything he's said has been about taking responsibility, not wanting to go down that road again, and being willing to lose friends to turn his life around. Ammon and I frequently talk about the strides he's making and wish we could be more of a physical presence for him. I think you have the right to ask him not to live there, but I think you have to be very careful in how you tell him. His one pitfall is that he still feels so guilty that he is just sure the family will never forgive him. He doesn't feel believed or believed in yet. Forgiving ourselves is usually much harder than forgiving anyone else so I would just urge you to keep all of that in mind when you approach him.
Quincy has already been told that the family is only a phone call away but some of those call his needs to be making. He is think about getting a trailor to live in.
He has alreay been told about the family get together the 4 of July He didn't know about getting away from work. He last thoughts were he might. I thought he could get a ride back with someone if we were staying to long or ther is always the bus.
I don't know how to get a definant answer from him. I think I let him know a might is saying I will not be there.
....................................
!!
......................
??
says LaDawn :)
Post a Comment
<< Home